Starting A New is beyond the words of right now....

Right now it is 4:57 am the morning of January 27, 2011.  Craziness ensued last night.  Hence, anew leaf is turning over for me right now.. Currently I have/still am continuing on a rant I had on my Facebook page earlier this evening, night, morning whenever it was it was good... really.... great.. : P Anyways... I have made some very positive changes for the new year. And it's only 27 days into the new year.  I guess it all started when everyone at my work was fired on October 28th(ish) 2010.  Well almost everyone. Seeing as I saved the only two souls that mean a lot to me personally, at work.  I saved two other employees from a whole day firing event on my fateful day off.  For school of course I was off on Thursdays. Gave me a day to run errands with my mom and hang out with Xavier. Well I know it was the end of a semester here at Kaplan, and I was getting ready to celebrate my son's first year alive in the outside world!  His birthday is October 31, 2009..... I should have known when I met that man that strange things were to ensue and take a hold of my life forever changing it's course for all eternity...... the father of my son is whom I am referring to. And seeing as no one really reads these things anyways I can be as vague in details as I prefer and wish to be. Seeing as this is a personal blog for my writing purposes and getting things "out there" at least is a way of reaching out for something or someone..... if you catch my tiny ripple of a drift right here... right now. At 505 in the morning when I have to work a looooong ass day without anyone there at work to relieve me until 5 pm this evening when my third key comes in.  This being one of the boy's job's that I have saved. Anyways a little off topic but interesting none the less..... Especially at this hour seeing the state I'm in is very vulnerable to gibber jabber.  I was ready for another normal Friday and then the weekend with my old third key, who loved me (Literally), and a weekend full of fun with my Family and FRIENDS!! : ) : ( But this Thursday was bad news at around 3:30 pm or somewhere around there and about 6 pm I was told that my manager was fired, our old assistant manager was fired and the third key, who had a lustful and disturbingly lack of a relationship,  was fired as well.  I know I should not get into too  much detail but this has been eating at me for months now and I can not repress my feelings any longer.  Perhaps someone will read this and understand what it's like to have these feelings of resentment towards others when you know damn, excuse the language please, well that you have everything in the world except someone who loves you... for you.  I know my mother loves me and my father does adore me as well.  I do very well in school and have made it through the biggest hurtle ever in a career-focused retail store setting.  And our district is #1 in the whole entire company!!!! BIG DEAL!!!! Especially when you go from just learning how to relive life on your own but having to balance a full-time and then some hours schedule, with a baby, and home life(meaning relationships with my family and the few friends who have stood by me since the day I've met them) and school.  Yes, I am very fortunate to have a family who is willing to support me by giving me a very safe and loving home to raise my son in for free except the fact of the normal housework that one would do to offer to help pay their own way in my typical living situation.  Kind of like I'm a third roommate here in the house but I have no where to go and no plans on moving out anytime soon.  Well... soon as in the next four years per se.  Give or take depending on what life throws at me and my little boy down the road.  It's just the fact that I feel so alone all the time.  Except when I'm doing things I probably have no business doing with some more recent true FRIENDS of mine.  FRIENDS.... meaning they are well meaning, fun loving, exciting, amazing, just like me it's scary kind of way.  They are a married couple a little older than me.  She is 31 and he just turned 28 or maybe 29 one or the other.  I love them both so much.  I met them through work.... they come in and shop for their "children" at my work and we exchanged numbers and addresses seeing as we were all really wanting to meet up outside of my work and get to know each other.  FRIEND selecting is hard to do.  Especially when you are somewhat.... mostly attractive like I am.  Mentally and physically I don't mean to toot my own horn but I can be stimulating with my advances in favors and questions that I ask.  Don't bother asking me for anything to be honest I could care less about half of the people I see on a day to day basis... but you have a primal, internal instinct to please people and to care about what other people take you for and perceive you as.  It's a guttural... very visceral appeal to me to please other people but I completely let myself down in the run around of it all.  Like my fallen marriage, yes we were young, well I was, and misguided on my path of life.  But if I never married him I never would have had my sweet, loving, innocent, simple minded(Thus far he's only going to be 16 months old), clever, fun loving, precious, not to mention smart like I am... Book smart i mean and he appears to be street smart like his daddy thus far.  Which is one thing i miss most about Trevor Matthew Keck.  I miss the person he could have been and/or was before I met him.  He was too old for me but just the person I needed at such a critical time in my life. If I would have moved to Florida right away I never would have learned about what messing up....so literally in life can do to you.  Like letting the "one who got away" away! For the third or fourth time.  Or like how to sit down and enjoy a true campfire whilst smoking a cigarette rolled finely with other things rather than tobacco in them.  Metaphorically speaking.... I miss everything about him but I despise the person he became over the course of our relationship.  Or was it me that changed and he didn't.. I think the latter statement makes more sense for this part of my story.......... But that is all in this one.... all I have to offer. For I have to be awake and up and running with that typical happy go lucky smile on my face that is the facade we must wear in front of the public and the masses daily.. How atrocious stories are told of ones inner reflections..  When one is true to themselves and only themselves.... for that is the nature of the human soul.. Yet we aim to please others.. So why the constant inner turmoil over this all the time.  What am I missing that others are not..... anything at all?? Or just the feeling of being needed..... really NEEDED.... not just desired or wanted..... or truly cared about.  How about having roots that are deeply faceted with something but you just can't figure it out.. OR am i just messed up and need a breather??? Either way....it's time for a quick cat nap.... facebook time or something mindless before I have to get ready for work. I can't wait to read this when I'm in a better state of mind... I hope my job or others I know don't find this blog.... seriously. They may think I have mental problems.... try self medicating by journaling every thing that comes to my mind.  No matter what time it is or where I am, except at work, I don't do anything but my job there.  That is my battle I like.... not love... yet.... to fight with right now. I'm so stressed out about going in in a a few hours that I can't sleep or function properly.  It's like I'm high off of a drug or something insane or obscene like that.  It's messed up... it really is.  My life changed from ever in the Galapagos .... Mauricio Torres.... was his name. The guy that I chance met while abroad and have kept in touch with since.  See what I mean. I must be delirious... maybe sleep isn't a good idea when I have to GET UP for work in less than an hour. Try forty five minutes..  I Should have just stayed home last night....... would have saved myself the next three days of misery to ensue.... Trust me.... if you only knew the half of what I have going on inside my head right now.  With the balance of work, school, mommy hood and just finding out what i am to do with myself in life.  Perhaps this is what a midlife crisis looks like.  Maybe this is just me being beyond exhausted and rearing to go for the next day.  :)  Let's hope it's the latter but we all know it's the first excuse.. So excuse me for my rambling for tonight. I didn't mean to hurt anyone or appear like I'm psycho or losing my mind.  Just very tired and a lot going on in my troubled little mind. Yet it's not so troubled so why am I having such a hard time coping right now.....I Just don't UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?! How can one be happy yet so scared and terrified of the future yet preach to their friends and acquaintances what is right and what is wrong?! Enough.... sleep for the next forty minutes sounds like a Lil slice of heaven with my name on it.... Until later ... Signing off..... :) :) :) :) I love baths..... by the way.... they are the best thing that can happen to you sometimes. Perhaps Ill go take one now... before I go to work.. :) ; ) ?!?!?!!?!?!?!?! WoOT WoOT!:) Go Pittsburgh Steelers..... We will take down the Packers... Death to Green Bay! :) Where is that any Wisconsin or something like that.  Cheese country....or what used to be cheese country until the cows moved to California where it's legal for them to use medicinal marijuana to get high and stuff... jk..... :)  Guten Nacht! OR shall I say Guten Morgen! :)